I survived the family reunion!

Not that I didn't expect to, but I think I have spoken before about how I don't do well in a group of people I don't know so well. I also knew a lot of my cousins were coming that hadn't been around in a long time. And some aunts and uncles I hadn't seen in a while too. The cousin part went pretty great. Not all of them were there. One, I had seen recently at a funeral and spent a few hours talking to, so I felt comfortable when he showed up with his brother, who I hadn't seen in probably 20 years. We fell right into conversation and I was totally comfortable. The rest were fine as well. I worry too much and it is never as bad as I envision it might be. I think I recall one year one of my uncles making a comment about my weight and I guess somehow I am afraid he will bring it up again. Seems to be a sore subject with me lately. I keep mulling over comments my grandfather has been making lately about other people. Such disdain and disgust for overweight people we know. He has never once made a comment about my weight or about me but somehow I can't help but feel like he must also feel that way about me. I even go so far as to wonder if he is mentioning those other people in front of me to get his opinion across without really having to be mean about it. For the honest first time in my entire life I actually feel a bit of ill feelings towards/about my grandfather. I keep internalizing it and feeling like he must be making those comments for me. I agree. I am overweight. I am also about at my wit's end about it. But I can't seem to lose weight. It really makes me mad that he mentions other people's weight because my grandmother who I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind he loves totally and completely is about my size. I think part of the reason it makes me so mad is when he talks about it, she just sits quietly and says nothing. She never chimes in on that conversation or agrees or gives her two cents. I just wonder if she feels insulted by his comments too. It also brings me to question if he sees her as she was 62 years ago when they married. I seriously have no doubt he is totally madly in love with her. I question this because my ex-boyfriend was pretty vocal about his opinions about "fat" people too. He would comment about someone at work or one of my friends about how big they had gotten or the size of her behind, etc. I would say I am the same size and he would always adamantly say I was not! I really think somehow he was envisioning the old me. Anyways, back to my grandfather, I think another reason it makes me so mad is that if he only knew how hard I have tried over the last 15 years to lose weight. I have been asked not to disclose my disease to them so as not to make them worry but it comes back to haunt me sometimes. I think at times he might feel I am being lazy. Sometimes him or my grandmother will ask me to do something for them, like go to the basement and bring up a case of pop. I know I hesitate when they ask me, and my mom always jumps up and says I'll get it. First, I am not sure I could carry a case of pop let alone up stairs. I think I have also mentioned stairs are a challenge to me. I just wish I could tell them the truth so they would be able to understand why I sit and let my 60 year old mom run their errands. Again, I feel like I am digressing. So I did survive the family reunion and actually almost even enjoyed it. I also was successful yesterday in my shopping trip of only buying two small craft items. One, the photo album to embellish and customize I had spoken of a day or two ago. The second a small box for my niece for a scrapbooking project. We recently did a scrapbook tin out of a giftcard tin for my mom. We talked her into boogie boarding at the beach last month and the tin chronicles that adventure. It is a nice size for a small outing. Sure, I will probably still scrap this in the vacation book from this summer, but this was nice too. My niece really enjoyed that project. So when I saw the small paper box that was about one inch deep, my mind went to a similar project. When I showed it to her and told her what I was thinking, she immediately had an idea. Her best friend's birthday is in a few weeks and she is going to make a mini album of pictures of the two of them being silly. Hope I get to help her make it!